No to Sex with the Ex

Everyone advises against sex with the ex. Experts, Oprah, your mama, your girlfriend. They all say "even if it feels good, don't do it. You're just selling your self cheap to someone who doesn't appreciate you. Pearls before swine, girl."

With ex-boyfriends, it's not a problem. When I am through with someone, I am through. I don't want any contact. Ick. And if I've been dumped? I would only go near them to be really, really mean to them. So, I don't go near them. Easy.

With ex-employers, it's dicier, especially during a recession. I'm a Chrysler buyout - I took the money and ran, before there was no buyout money and no jobs. I call it my amicable divorce, with no-worries alimony. One nice lump sum, even after Uncle Sam's cut.

Despite my post-divorce euphoria, Mr. Ex (Chrysler) sometimes looks good. I had great pay and benefits. I was used to Mr. Ex's dysfunction, which is unlike the job market's dysfunction. I had direct deposit, and I knew the paycheck covered everything. Maybe, I think, with all those other people gone, I'd have a chance to shine. Maybe Mr. Ex would be sweet to me in appreciation for my many talents and skills, and many long hours of unpaid overtime.

So, when one of my similarly divorced colleagues applied for a contract position (which we were told was permissible), the word came back through the grapevine that buyout people were not welcome. We could apply, but we would not be chosen. We're unclean. We are traitors - for what? Taking the offer that upper managment was probably praying we'd take? I guess so. Gosh, Mr. Ex. Sorry your feelings were hurt. Sorry I used my brain and decided that Definitely Something was better than Maybe Nothing. Gee. Where's the bell for my neck?

But I'm sure it was hurtful for my colleague. Whether it's the flat-out jealousy of those left behind, or a management bias, or just a way to get "new blood" into a troubled company, it's not nice to hear the employment equivalent of "not you, you stink". Especially when you've downscaled and aren't getting called in for interviews. Why not, one says, try one more dance, for old times sake? We were good for each other once, we may be good again.

But the truth is, Mr. Ex and I are "exes" for a very solid reason - the good -for-each-other-flow ended. Mr. Ex was Prince Charming on paper and in legend, but Prince Alarming in reality. And then, after flogging the masses to "do more with less", Prince Alarming had to file for bankruptcy after all. No more Prince. No more Prince benefits. No more dysfunction, either, which was nice. Dancing with Mr. Ex seemed to steal more of my life with every dollar it put into my bank account. Like in fairy tales, when people are forced to dance in red-hot iron shoes at a ball until they fall down dead? Should be a fun party, but really isn't.

So, I'd like to say to my colleagues - go forward, not back. Say "no" to sex with Mr. Ex, even if he has a few coins in his pockets. He will never love you, no matter who you are, or how much you do for him. Go find a real prince for your life. This time, I hope, he won't be made of paper.

Read, dammit

Okay. Times are tough, right? And we should all do our bit to not make things harder, right? You think this might be a reasonable approach to our current situation? Maybe?


Hey, I admit it - I'm biased. I have a special front row seat in the trenches - I work for one of Michigan's fine employment agencies. I see a lot of people in a lot of situations, mostly hurting. I see the amount of need has increased, but the staffing hasn't. Problemmatic? Definitely.

Given that we're all in this together, it might make sense for us to pull together to get through. So, to all of us dealing with stress, anger, tanked investments, and a shrunken or absent paycheck, I have one little request:

READ, dammit.

Read the stuff that shows up in the mail.

Read your emails, your newspapers, your resumes and your job fair flyers.

Do not walk into a service agency with your mail, and expect someone to read it for you - clarify things, yes, freakin' read it to you like a bedtime story, no. Hell, no. But it happens on a daily basis in my place of business.

You need an example? Here's one. I helped stuff over 2,000 envelopes with important outplacement letters. I saw this letter so many times, I memorized it. I can even read it for people over the phone without having it in front of my face.

It goes like this:

Client: "I got this letter from your office, and I want to know what it means."
Me: "Is it regarding TAA benefits?"
Client: (Long pause) "Yeah . . . yeah. What do I do with this?"
Me: "Look down towards the bottom, do you see an orientation date and location?"
Client: (Longer pause) "Yeah, I see it now . . . . ."

And so on - you get the drift.

Just my opinion here, but I think that failing to follow directions regarding money or benefits is a Bad Thing. Don't do it. You could miss the boat.

Read, dammit. Even if it has too many words, or is raising issues that you'd rather not deal with at the moment, read it. Cut yourself - and the world - some slack. Use your mind and expand it through reading. The mind is the best and most reliable competitive advantage anyone has right now. Tuning out is not going to impress anyone, especially someone with a paycheck to hand out.

In short, publicly demonstrating that you can't-won't-don't read might make you flunk the interview. Maybe? You think?

Go read up on it - your wallet and your I.Q. will thank you.