No to Sex with the Ex

Everyone advises against sex with the ex. Experts, Oprah, your mama, your girlfriend. They all say "even if it feels good, don't do it. You're just selling your self cheap to someone who doesn't appreciate you. Pearls before swine, girl."

With ex-boyfriends, it's not a problem. When I am through with someone, I am through. I don't want any contact. Ick. And if I've been dumped? I would only go near them to be really, really mean to them. So, I don't go near them. Easy.

With ex-employers, it's dicier, especially during a recession. I'm a Chrysler buyout - I took the money and ran, before there was no buyout money and no jobs. I call it my amicable divorce, with no-worries alimony. One nice lump sum, even after Uncle Sam's cut.

Despite my post-divorce euphoria, Mr. Ex (Chrysler) sometimes looks good. I had great pay and benefits. I was used to Mr. Ex's dysfunction, which is unlike the job market's dysfunction. I had direct deposit, and I knew the paycheck covered everything. Maybe, I think, with all those other people gone, I'd have a chance to shine. Maybe Mr. Ex would be sweet to me in appreciation for my many talents and skills, and many long hours of unpaid overtime.

So, when one of my similarly divorced colleagues applied for a contract position (which we were told was permissible), the word came back through the grapevine that buyout people were not welcome. We could apply, but we would not be chosen. We're unclean. We are traitors - for what? Taking the offer that upper managment was probably praying we'd take? I guess so. Gosh, Mr. Ex. Sorry your feelings were hurt. Sorry I used my brain and decided that Definitely Something was better than Maybe Nothing. Gee. Where's the bell for my neck?

But I'm sure it was hurtful for my colleague. Whether it's the flat-out jealousy of those left behind, or a management bias, or just a way to get "new blood" into a troubled company, it's not nice to hear the employment equivalent of "not you, you stink". Especially when you've downscaled and aren't getting called in for interviews. Why not, one says, try one more dance, for old times sake? We were good for each other once, we may be good again.

But the truth is, Mr. Ex and I are "exes" for a very solid reason - the good -for-each-other-flow ended. Mr. Ex was Prince Charming on paper and in legend, but Prince Alarming in reality. And then, after flogging the masses to "do more with less", Prince Alarming had to file for bankruptcy after all. No more Prince. No more Prince benefits. No more dysfunction, either, which was nice. Dancing with Mr. Ex seemed to steal more of my life with every dollar it put into my bank account. Like in fairy tales, when people are forced to dance in red-hot iron shoes at a ball until they fall down dead? Should be a fun party, but really isn't.

So, I'd like to say to my colleagues - go forward, not back. Say "no" to sex with Mr. Ex, even if he has a few coins in his pockets. He will never love you, no matter who you are, or how much you do for him. Go find a real prince for your life. This time, I hope, he won't be made of paper.